Brand New Poster For The ANT-MAN Movie! Am I the only one who cares?

By: Bradley Wednesday May 6, 2015 comments

The official poster for Marvel's Ant-Man was released earlier this morning. It features the titular character surrounded by the rest of the cast as he looks at something over your right shoulder (it's probably the spectre of your squandered potential, endlessly hovering behind you as it always does).

Based solely on the official trailer that was released a few weeks back, it appears that Marvel will be taking the Guardians Of The Galaxy style action / comedy route with this outing, even going so far as to mention GOTG in the poster. I can't say I blame them for this approach, as even the title "Ant-Man" doesn't exactly inspire mental imagery of a majestic hero in the same way that, say, the Captain America does. All the same, I'm excited as hell for this one. Other than the fact that I just like me some Ant-Man, Marvel have proven their ability to turn any of their properties into box office gold as of late. Shit, I'm convinced they could make a movie starring Paste Pot Pete and fans would still fork over their cash.

Fuck this guy.

 

Sadly, many people seem to be enraged about the idea of a film starring Ant-Man. Opinions range from "Why make a film about Ant-Man when we haven't even seen a Black Widow movie yet?" to "Why make a film about Ant-Man? His powers are lame and he sucks". Historically, Ant-Man has been marginalized and laughed off as a shit-hero based solely on his name and cruddy sounding powers. Long before Marvel earned all of the money, even SNL got in on the Ant-Man hate in the 70's.

I think I'm part of a small percentage of people when I say this (I'm certainly the only one around Secret Compass who thinks this way), but I feel like this is a little unfair.

While I can't argue with the fact that the world needs a Black Widow movie (GET ON IT, MARVEL), I can definitely say that Ant-Man and his powers do not suck. On paper, the idea of "relative ant-strength" and having a helmet that allows you to talk to ants sound like the lamest super-powers this side of Aquaman, and anyone running around calling himself Ant-Man certainly sounds like a loser. But let's start by looking at some basic facts: The original Ant-Man was a genius scientist and inventor (on par with, if not surpassing Tony Stark), was a founding member of the original Avengers AND he was married to the Wasp:

Hi.

 

As for his powers, they're really not as bad as they seem. If you're willing to think outside the box a little bit, you can see how awesome being able to reduce your entire body mass is. Imagine being able to shrink down and unlock your car door when you accidentally lock the keys inside. Can't afford concert tickets? Drop down to the size of a house fly and walk right past security. Think about how much money you could save on groceries if you only had to eat thimble sized meals! Hell, you could shrink down to the size of a bacterium and give all of the executives at Comcast chlamydia! You'd be the greatest hero of the modern age! Imagine how much time, money and rohypnol it would take for Captain America to give all of the crooked execs at Comcast an STD. Ant-Man could do it effortlessly. See? The possibilities are endless! Relative-ant strength sounds lame? You could shrink to the size of a grasshopper and lift an entire car. When was the last time you lifted a car at normal size? And who wouldn't want to be able to have a private swarm of ants to do your bidding? No more fetching your own beer from the fridge!

I think that Ant-Man and his awesome chlamydia / car lifting powers aren't the problem, it's a public perception problem. That's right, Ant-Man only sucks in your mind. So buck up people! There are countless other characters that Marvel could base movies on that would be infinitely worse.

Seriously, fuck this guy.

 

See you at the theatre!

Bradley

About the Author: Bradley

Bradley is awesome!